Where the help when you need it?

Where is the help when you need it? No where. Where is the people who are supposed to be the voice for those who need a f*** voice? No where. Where is the right I should have as an American and a human being? No where.

Back when I was a teenager I had such a strong Faith in who I was. I never cared about what others said about me. I knew I would amount to something great. Then the real world happen.

No one really prepared me for what I would go through. No one prepared me for the struggles I would face. The struggles of being told I was no good. No good at my job. No good at taking care of someone. No good at nothing. NOTHING!!!!

Thirteen years I spent working at a retail store. I went there every day no matter what I was going through. I spent 13 years of my life bagging people food. Cleaning bathrooms, bring in karts in the rain, heat, snow. Thirteen years of never having enough money to daily to make it on my own without help from mom and grandpa.

I spent those years also being told how I was no good. Not fast enough. Not doing this right or doing that right. Never being told hey you are doing a good job. Instead all I got was wright ups after wright ups after wright ups. I was in a work program called good will and you know what? I had a case manger that would come out to see how I was doing and never once did they help me. Instead they went off on me also.

In grade school I was put in the MR classes. I was thrown out of the world I was used to and put in another world. After that no one in the regular classes wanted to be my friend. I got used to that world. That became my world. I miss that world cause in some sense that was who I am.

My wife  is trying real hard to get me to have faith in my self. But what she does not grasp or understand is I try so hard. I give it all I have. But it is not enough. I am not enough. I feel like a failure as a husband cause I can’t give her more. She works now and I stay home. I stay home cause I am sick. I have fibro, depression and anxiety. I was told by a lawyer I can’t win. I am not sick enough. Not sick enough? What do I got to do to get people to have compassion for me and to understand my daily struggles. This world has been so cold to me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to handle this stuff anymore.

Holidays

Holidays can be a hard time. I know. This thanksgiving I lost my grandpa. He’s only been gone for a week but it feels like years already. There are some days I see people with money buying stuff and I feel like a failure cause of the fibro and cause of my mental problems. I feel like I wish I could do more for my wife and buy her the world.

 

This year we are not fixing up our place. We just don’t feel in the Christmas spirit. Instead I just feel like staying in bed and sleeping away the rest of this damn year.

I want to believe in healing but I never see it happen. I hear about it all the time and I used to believe in it but lately I just feel like maybe it’s not for me. Some of my health issues go deeper then just fibro. Some I have had since birth. That is thirty three years of believing in something but nothing never happens. Instead I feel like a fool at times.

My depression seems to get worse during this time of the year as well. Any kind of issue sets me off so bad it takes a long time for me to clam down. I am ready for this year and the holidays to finally be over.